life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i need to put some appletini on your dick
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
