I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
