dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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