I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
