I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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