: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
