He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
