I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
