no, he came in my armpit
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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