you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
