The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
