I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
