The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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