Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
