Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize