So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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