My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
