My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
