I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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