no, he came in my armpit
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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