Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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