I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
