3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
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