my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Of course I have a pirate flag
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize