Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
