I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
