she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
