as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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