so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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