I'm going to jail i love you
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
