Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
