So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
