He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
