This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
