one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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