You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
