Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My balls are so social today.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
