This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
