youre lurking in front of me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
