he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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