so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
