Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
