I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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