nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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