So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
