just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
you had me at cake vodka
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
