This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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