It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize