Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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