you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
