If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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