U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
