I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
