is your mom at the bar?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
