Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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