I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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