I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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