Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
